Untethered Heart

I was reading 'Captivating' earlier tonight, which is basically 'Wild at Heart' for women. (Yes, yes, rag away.) While reading the section about accepting God's help, I was pierced by the writer's comment on how God was once to her too intimidating for real relationship, whereas Jesus 'liked me.' Although at first my thoughts turned, as they always do, to my disappointment in having little to no relationship with Christ(at least in my mind), a new thought-a retort-entered my mind.

"So what if He likes me?"

I was amazed and terrified by this new thought. Relentlessly, it marched on, a procession of doubt. What was God to me? Even considering His love, how did that help me? What does His love do for me, in the end? He is the path to salvation, certainly, but how do I go about loving Him? If I actually love Him but continue to second-guess, then how can I trust my feelings? And if can trust my feelings, then how does one create love? I suppose I should have listened to the quiet, guilty urge inside me to pick up my Bible, but I chose instead to sleep.

While I slept, I dreamed. The details are strange and unimportant, but what matters is what I was doing. In this dream, I was a loose cannon. On two occasions, someone said something to annoy me, and I reacted with violence. I was at fault in the scene I remember clearest, but stormed over to confront my victim, who backed away from me. He fell onto a staircase and hurt himself in doing so, but I simply stomped away, uncaring and still fuming. Later in the dream, I was in shambles. I was, I believe, writing down questions for God, such as "Why do I act this way?" and "What do I do?" Then, the questions disappeared, and I heard-or felt-a voice that told me to get up and do what I knew was right. So I stood, meek and feared at the same time, and returned to the person I had wronged. With clear, decisive movement, I got down on my hand and knees, bowed my head, and asked forgiveness for what I had done. I received it. At that moment, I awoke.

If you know my spiritual struggle, you know that direction is among the top ten of things I long for. Top five, actually. I often say how much I wish that God would simply tell me what he wanted me to do. It's not like I have other plans. I'm starting to think that maybe God likes subtlety. I've known that asking God to just tell me was a preposterous notion, and this perhaps drives it home. He wants me to seek Him, doesn't He? He doesn't want a drone to do His bidding, He wants a son. And in order to accept that, I have to come to terms with my shame, and finally accept that I, filthy to the core and underserving, am... saved.

If you'll indulge me a bit further, this dreams make me feel like a prophet of sorts. With the other dream I had a while ago about people from all of the world's religions singing together on a sinking stage, I'm wondering if He's chosen at least one way of telling me things.

I talk a lot about how much work I have to do on my Christian journey, but when it comes down to doing it, I'm scared. There is still the Kingdom of Will in my heart, and I don't look forward to tearing it down. And what will I become? Something holy, of course, but that doesn't help with the pain. *Sigh* Why do I always stipulate everything? I'm looking at the door of life while wondering how painful it is to wake the dead. Well, it's gonna hurt like hell, 'cause that's what I've gotta get rid of. This is the business of redeeming souls, sonny, not going on picnics! Now shake a leg! Though bring the basket, there may be some hungry people on the way...

Twilight out.

Comp Post

Because it's a composition post. And it makes for funny. Laugh, masses!

Anyway, during a period of pensive loneliness, the first two sentences popped into my head, and I felt compelled to write them down. The rest wrote itself (with a little editing afterwards). As of yet untitled.
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Fine, I said. You didn't want to be here, so I let you go. Now I'm alone. You thought that'd give you the upper hand, didn't you? You thought I'd crack and run to you in whimpers. But solitude is my friend. You forgot that these silent walls and the quiet road are both my kin. They know me in all those ways that don't need words. And no matter what, they're always here. The ceiling and the sky smile down on me. The sun winks at my floor lamp. Oh, they know. I can always count on their arms to be open, because they're always empty. So keep on walking. You'll only get tired. Meanwhile, I'll be sitting here, forgetting you and everything else that tried to make me more than I am. I'll just sit here under the cover of silence, staring into nothing. Keep your turning world. The emptiness is always here, and it never asks anything of me.
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Twilight out.

My happy place

It has been mere minutes since 'Kim Possible: So the Drama' ended, and I am basking in the magnificent glow of warm fuzzies. It was sooo... oh, it was more than cute! *giggles* That's right! I don't care! It was good and romantic, and I'm going to savor every delectable bite! Wait, what's this feeling under my eyes? Hey, I'm smiling! All right! I've missed you, buddy! Welcome back to my face! Purr, baby. Very purr.

While I am on the subject of peaceful, easy feelings, let me talk about the other day. Which day isn't important, because what I'm about to talk about goes beyond normal reckonings. I walked out the front door on a recent morning to check the mail, but I found far more. I was greeted, in fact, by Spring. I capitalize because it was the first time I had ever felt a season. It was like the sun and air had convened to decide the perfect temperature for me. The flowers had stretched their petals like sunbathers, and everything around me felt young. I remembered C.S. Lewis' 'Perelandra', and I felt like Venus herself had descended upon me. It was as if the dreariness of my soul was washed away and its youth restored. I felt vitality and strength within me. Autumn is still my favorite season, but, oh, for the kiss of Spring!

I just watched the movie again. I glowed. The feeling fades, especially with repeated watchings. But those moments, those precious, untouchable moments when it's not cool, or neat, or awesome, just pure, I feel alive... *sigh* This is why I love animation.