Till Kingdom Come

Two weeks is a bit long to leave people hanging, but things are now much better, so I feel comfortable writing about this.

You see, on Monday the 19th, Kaysha broke up with me.

Her doubts about our relationship began, she told me, a few weeks prior when she commented to her mother about how she didn't feel like she missed me. It was a feeling that her mother warned could be a bad sign. We kept talking each night in the weeks that followed, although she didn't voice her concerns.

I traveled with her and her friend Michelle to an anime convention in Arlington on the weekend of the 17th, where Kaysha was going to sell artwork. I was looking forward not only to spending time with her but also to seeing what it was like to sell at a convention. For her, however, it was test. She was seeing if her feelings changed while I was actually with her, and I learned after the Monday drive back from Asheville that they hadn't. To my credit, I had noticed how distant she had been the whole weekend, but I attributed it to her being concerned about sales (though I did think to myself that if things were going to continue feeling so strained between us, we wouldn't last very long).

I wrote her a lengthy e-mail the next day expounding upon my feelings and offering comforting words of acceptance, but it would be two weeks before we talked again (this past Friday). I had been afraid the whole time that she had written me off completely; something enjoyed, then discarded. Those were dark and unpleasant days for me. But when we did talk, things turned out better than I had hoped. My understanding of things is that we were a bit hasty in getting together. We still used a formal way of speaking to each other even after we were dating. So, perhaps it was inevitable that things didn't work out in the long run. In any case, she very much wanted to remain friends, which was a balm to my soul. We talked like normal and discussed our feelings about everything easily. We did not deny any possibilities or accept any inevitabilities for the future, either. Overall, it was good.

It won't be easy sailing, though. With such a short transition from dating to breaking up to being friends again, I am having trouble adjusting my behavior and expectations. I still like to call her to talk, and she still tolerates it, admitting that she prefers to talk with friends online or in person (which is not really an option for us). I have also grown more used to using the phone over the years to stay in touch with people than she has, so I understand her reluctance in chatting. So, the phone is awkward for her, but it seems the best source of contact for me. This may have to change, but it is not a day I look forward to.

You see, I believe I have discovered a point of disconnect. As some of you know, I like to talk about feelings. I like to try and understand them as well as share those that I have with people. I don't think that this is something that Kaysha shares to my extent. In addition, I have grown so used to her aural presence in my life, my world feels lonely without those phone calls. For most friends, the occasional check-in is fine, but talking to Kaysha has been a way to relax from the constant worries to which I suffer myself. I have been so elated by the prospect of continued communication with her that I failed to take into account how that communication might change aside from dialing down from daily phone calls. I didn't realize just how high-maintenance I am. Maybe I need a new hobby.

While not as painful as the break-up, this floundering for a concrete outline of our relationship and its boundaries is causing not a little panic. I have been on the breakor side of a relationship that retained friendship, but not on the breakee. It is a constant self-examination, coupled with a constant fear of driving her away should I slip up. I am churning through the smoldering remains of my love for her, finding the occasional ember still burning that must be snuffed out. Or, if you rather, my body has begun to recover from the transplant that is the change in our relationship, but my emotional immune system still acts up and tries to reject parts of it, wanting to go back to when things weren't so painful.

Metaphors are no replacement for genuine coping, and I have been trying. I have increased the dosage of my anti-anxiety medicine, which has helped a lot to keep myself from obsessing over her. I think I might have been under-medicating myself for a while, anyway. That or Kaysha was my drug of choice. Better, at any rate, than all the liquor I had the Tuesday after the break-up. Fortunately, my distaste for hard alcohol kept me from anything worse than a little dizziness.

I have also learned to try and take the future a day at a time. Otherwise it is lonely and uncertain and dark. At least it is in my mind, which has a known paranoid bias. So, I'm trying to stay focused on the things that need to be done, the things I've always wanted to work on, and how to enjoy what I have. I remember that Kaysha came to me completely unexpected, and that all my thinking won't account for the natural surprises of life.

I was going to write a bit about struggling to find meaning in life through accomplishments, but it would have been far too depressing. My little existential crisis has been a constant burden since high school, and the only reason I would bring it up now is because of how Kaysha brought some calm into my life and some relief from that stress. I guess that's what love does, and growing up means learning how to make do without it. I dunno. I am still a jumble of thoughts and feelings, but at least I still have a friend called Kaysha who doesn't mind talking to me every now and then.


Twilight out.